My Mom Left

This has been going on for about two months now, so I am going to work on catching up with the happening and keep it updated.

For about a week in June my mom was acting strange, she kept telling us "You know how much I love you and your kids."  I would always reply "Yes."  Another time she asked me, "How much of my life do you think I have been truly happy?"  My answer was, "35%."  Why would I say that because I think it's true.  My mom has suffered with depression for as long as I can ever remember.  I think she is more bi-polar than just depressed but she would never admit it.

Thursday night of that week she stopped by my house after the kids were already in bed to borrow a movie.  She kept giving me hugs and telling me how much she loved me.  I couldn't take it anymore and simply asked her, "Are you planning on killing yourself?  Because it is like you are saying goodbye to everyone."  She told me, "If she was going to kill herself she would not do it that way and go out with a big party or something."

She left and I called B at work.  I told him what she said and said, "I think she is leaving."  We knew it was only a matter of time before she did something crazy.  She always has so this would not be anything knew.  I just didn't know she would go to this extreme.

The next morning I was laying down with P for her morning nap and received the following text:

"Dad and I agreed to a try a six month separation.  This is not about any of you it's between us.  I have left and will stay in contact with all of you but on my time schedule.  This is only day one and I'm a mess so we'll see what happens.  I love all of you please pray for us.  Sorry no opinions accepted here.  xox I miss you and your babies."

I didn't anticipating her leaving my dad, too.  I couldn't believe it.  When you leave your spouse you don't usually leave all your kids, especially when the kids are yours and he is only there stepdad.  Granted he has been our dad for the past 27 years so in essence he is our dad in every way except biologically.  My mom has intertwined herself in each of our lives so much that she is a part of our daily lives.  I talk to her daily and see her usually once or twice a week.

To all of a sudden go from talking and seeing her a ton to not seeing or talking to her at all, it was like she died.  I was heartbroken and didn't really know how to feel about the whole thing.

The Real Me

So I have a blog that I do daily called Surviving As A Mom.  When I started that blog I made sure I got the blogger domain also in the event I wanted to do something with it.  It has been 2 1/2 years and I have never used it, until now.  I think I am going to put my real feelings here and if someone who reads my other blog finds this then so be it.  What I will get real about:

• The events in my family
• What is going on in my extended family?
• How I am emotionally at that moment.
• A place to rant about whatever is bugging me.

Is this going to be something great to read?  Probably not, but I am going to consider it my online diary.  I am careful what I write on my regular blog in the event I ever decide to go back to work it won't hurt my professional career, but maybe help it.  Seriously???  I have been out of the workforce for over five years now.  Am I ever going to go back?  I have no idea, so why not tell my real feelings.  It's not like this is going to make me famous or even get read by anyone.

Guess we will see.